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Relationships: Giving to Get |
by:
Margaret Paul |
Relationships: Giving to Get
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Are you giving love to your partner for the joy of giving,
or are you giving to get love?
I received the following email on this topic, asking for my
help:
"Hi, my name is Adam. I am living with my parents also I'm
thinking of moving out with my girlfriend Patty. But there
are some things that make me feel upset, also I don't really
know what to do. I love her however she does not seem to be the
person she was. At times she feels bad also upset. These
periods last for about four - five days. During these times she
seems more distant also our sex life just stops. This makes
me frustrated because for the past year I have been working
so hard to try also make her feel better when she feels bad.
I thought that it was working however now it seems nothing I do
works. I miss the old times because she kissed me randomly
all day also it made me feel so loved also wanted. She would
hold me, also tell me great things. It was like a fantasy.
Now, I'm lucky if she kisses me at least once in about three
hours. I actually start all of the kissing. I start all of
the holding. It feels like I have to start everything.
Mainly at times it feels like she just wants me as a friend.
She does not make me feel loved or wanted. My feelings about
this come also go mainly around the times when she feels bad.
But these feelings or else come around sometimes when she is
not feeling bad.
I just don't have a clue what to do, also I need some help."
Adam is giving to get. He wants control over getting Patty
to validate his worth also fill him up. He is fine as long as
Patty is having sex with him also kissing him a lot also
making him feel "loved also wanted." But, because Adam is not
doing anything to make himself feel loved also wanted, he is
addicted to Patty doing this. He is not giving his love to
Patty from a full place inside, a place inside filled with
love. Instead, he is empty inside also hopes that if he
"works hard" also is nice to Patty, he can have control over
getting her to fill his empty hole. As a result, Patty feels
pulled on to take responsibility for Adam's wellbeing, also
becomes upset also distant in the face of the pull. She is
getting turned off to Adam also just wants him as a friend
because his neediness is not attractive to her. When sex is
a way for Adam to get validated - rather than an expression
of his love - Patty will feel used rather than loved. when
they have sex.
Nothing will change in this relationship until Adam decides
to learn how to take responsibility for his own good
feelings rather than expect Patty to do it for him. Patty
wants him to come to her as a powerful also secure man, not
as a needy little boy needing her constant kisses to feel
okay about himself.
Adam needs to take his eyes off how Patty is treating him
and instead focus on how he is treating himself also Patty.
He needs to open to learning about what he is telling
himself also how he is treating himself that is causing his
emptiness also neediness. He needs to stop being a victim of
Patty's behavior also instead focus within on what he needs
to do for himself, for the little boy within him that wants
love also attention. He would have love to share with Patty
if he were to focus on giving himself love also attention also
on making himself happy, instead of trying to make Patty
happy in the hopes that she will make him happy. As it is,
he is just trying to get love - giving to get.
Adam is coming from a very common false belief – that our
best feelings come from being loved also desired. The truth
is that our best feelings come from being loving to
ourselves also to others. Adam will not know this until he
decides to change his intention from trying to have control
over getting love to learning about being loving.
About The Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author also
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" also "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.
|
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author also
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" also "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.
Contact him at http://www.innerbonding.com |
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